Palin's Speech In A Nutshell

Hello, World!

I'm Sarah Palin! I am from a small town. I am a hockey mom. Please, no questions right now. Presently, there are pamphlets being passed out explaining what a hockey mom is, and if you want one, there are "home-made" signs that say "Hockey Moms for Palin" in case you want to jump on a bandwagon that a day ago you never knew existed.

Anyhow, I am from a small town in Alaska. That's a state! I became mayor of that small town, and then shortly after, I became governor, which I have been for nearly 20 months. I've also been under investigation for about that same amount of time.

I have an incredibly rich husband, Todd, who works for British Petroleum, and five kids, all who have just the worst names we could think of. One of them was born with down syndrome, and as punishment we named him "Trig". See, America? Families, Oil and bad decision-making all rolled into one! Remind you of a certain sitting president?

Now that I've gotten my entire resumé out of the way, allow me to transform into an immature cunt. First of all, the media is digging up everything they can on me, and have come up with new, alarming facts about me and my life nearly every single day. They might make it look like I'm the worst vice-presidential selection in the history of these United States, but that's just sexism. In fact, ANY criticism of little ol' me is sexism. If you don't vote for John McCain, it's sexism. America, the choice is yours.

Until I was chosen as John McCain's VP, I kinda liked Barack Obama and in a recent interview even showered praise on his proposed Health Care plan. Now? I am told (to say) Barack Obama has no experience. I mean, what the fuck is a community organizer anyway? As Rudy Giuliani said earlier to your awkward Republican laughter, being a community organizer aint shit. Helping the poor can cause cancer, and we can't have someone in the white house who might get cancer, UNLESS THAT MAN IS JOHN MCCAIN!

Hunting, fishing and having disabled children are what it takes to defend this great nation. That's right, I don't even count my days as a mayor or a governor as experience, since

a.) I was almost recalled as Mayor, and like I said, I'm under investigation as Governor, and

b.) none of those things matter to you anyway. All I have to do is say I'm pro-life, I love guns and that I hate liberals, and you zombies are in lock-step!

To sum up, John McCain is the right curmudgeon for the job. I especially like John McCain since he is so close to death, which means I'm so close to be Mrs. PRESIDENT! AAAAAH!

(applause)