Clearing the Brush

Dear George W. Bush,

You don't know me, but I voted for you in the 2000 election. Before you get all excited, you should know that at the time I was an angry twenty-one-year-old recent college dropout who listened to meat-head metal and was unhealthily skeptical of non-white people. To put it plainly, I was your dream demographic. I voted for you because my whole family voted for you. They liked you because you were folksy, a born-again Christian, and well, you were the son of their second-favorite president ever.

From what I can remember, one of my older brothers was salivating at the thought of your presidency as early as the middle of WJC's second term, citing that you would invade Iraq and "finish Saddam off". I also remember hating Bill Clinton for absolutely no reason, and would argue for his impeachment on a regular basis with a moral high ground only found in people as ignorant and annoying as I was. I was like you. I thought I was right all the fuckin' time. It didn't help that most of the people I'd get into it with were just as uninformed as I was, and our debates were light on facts and heavy on ideological jibber-jabber (thank you, southern Catholic education.)

Well, here we are roughly eight years later and a good bit has changed. I've escaped suburban living, I've met many new people that were nothing like me, I've lived and I've learned. Since that fateful November 4th when I pulled the lever near your name under the order of my parents, who pulled the same lever just before I did, my vote has gone to John Kerry, and four years later, Barack Hussein Obama. I did so less because of how much I believed in them, and more because of how little I believed in you and people like you. As much as I like Obama, deep down you had a lot to do with my vote. You had eight years to win me over, and every day, I and millions like me found new reasons to dislike you. The right-wing media like to think "Bush-bashing" is just "liberal hate and intolerance", but that's just empty bullshit rhetoric. I'm living proof. Actions have consequences, and your actions in office have caused people, liberal and conservative, to rejoice in your finally leaving the White House.

The top reason people don't want you around anymore is your astonishing lack of intellect. Throughout your tenure as president, you've had some trouble hiding your stupidity. Now, some people say you're not an idiot. They say that you're smart, and that proof of that is you surrounded yourself with smart people. I'm not buying it and I never will. I really do think you're kind-of a moron. I mean, you'd have to be to say and do things you've done since being kind-of elected.

You went into Iraq on faulty intelligence and a feeling that God wanted you to. That's fucking retarded. The blunder of blunders. When no WMD's were found, you said "stay the course", arguing that a pull-out would mean disaster. You obviously didn't have any problem with disaster before going in, so I don't know why you were suddenly afraid of creating another one. Just because Saddam is dead doesn't mean you did your job right. If someone hired me to completely renovate their home and all I did was repaint the front of the house and nothing else, no one would say I did a good job, especially not myself.

You called for a constitutional ban of gay marriage. People should be able to marry whomever they want. It shouldn't be a state or federal issue, nor a moral issue. It's a personal issue. There is no sanctity of marriage and you know it. It's a big deal to people on a personal level only. If the government gave a shit about the "sanctity of marriage", they would ban divorce, shotgun weddings and the marriage of people under 21. If you truly believed in this constitutional amendment, you are dangerously ignorant.

You wouldn't say waterboarding is torture. John McCain, America's favorite torture survivor, calls waterboaring torture. You, however, who apparently have never felt pain or suffering in your entire life, shrug at the idea of labeling waterboarding as "torture", citing how necessary it is to get valuable information, when one only need to do their own research to know this is far from the truth. Pretty dumb (and sick).

You recently patted yourself on the back by saying "you can't deny that I made some tough decisions". YOU'RE THE FUCKING LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD, DOUCHEBAG! Presidential decisions are inherently tough before you make them. Making the right decision is something that many people absolutely can deny you've done. The great irony is that you considered invading Iraq to be an easy decision, or to quote your vice-president, "a slam dunk". Your "tough decision making" has led to 9-11 (yes, that was on your watch), two wars, a recession, and an impressive electoral collapse of Republican power, inversely lifting your near-total-opposite, Barack Obama, to not only the presidency, but a higher pre-inaugural approval rating than any president-elect in history. The very idea that you're finally leaving gives 75% if this country goosebumps of joy. Only a true well-trained idiot could pull that off.

So in closing, I'd like to thank you. I'd imagine if you would've listened to the American people, and presented us with a clear, concise exit strategy from Iraq, you might've had a less tarnished image, not only domestically but world wide, and John McCain might be our president today. Your unequivocal support for Gitmo gave you a very 19th century vibe. Any reversal of that would've helped you and America, but I'm sure that decision was a little too "tough" to make. Your rape of the English language, your empty swagger, your brain-dead explanations to your dimwitted decisions (however tough) have all helped Barack Obama take a very unlikely oath of office tomorrow afternoon, to the rejoicing of the country and the chagrin of your dwindling support base. I for one couldn't be happier.

I guess you proved that maybe two wrongs don't make a right, but 150 or so just might.

Thank you and good riddance,
Seth J. S. Cockfield