What Does Your Baby's Aura Smell Like?

News Flash: I smoke marijuana from time to time. I doubt that's any secret. However, I sometimes feel the need to specify that I don't consider myself a "pot head". I've been called this before, and although I won't deny saying I really like weed, I wouldn't say "pot head" anymore than I would call some of my friends "beer heads" even though they drink a lot of beer. I think that the term "pot head" belongs to the very, very frequent tokers who base their entire life around the drug, instead of it simply enlightening them or enriching their life in some way (Doug Benson seems to straddle the line between these two columns). True pot heads, in my humble opinion, tend to go overboard with it and turn people off in the process. Allow me to illustrate my point with a few examples.

1.) I stayed in Baton Rouge with Holly at her brother's efficiency while Katrina's flood waters turned my hometown into a sewer of crime and fear. Her brother is a good kid. He's got a nice apartment, a girlfriend (who does not partake at all), and a job. However, I don't remember ever seeing him not smoking weed. Not only smoking it, but smoking cheap shit, in huge amounts (blunts, mostly). While he did this, he would play video games while simultaneously watching TV. That's right: two televisions side by side and both always on. That's all he did while he was at home, which was where he was when he was not at work. His girlfriend was pretty cool, too. If I were her, I would've been completely bored with him. I say that because I myself was bored with him, and I smoke weed. This dude was a pot head in the truest sense of the term.

2.) Back before I started smoking, I used to work for a corporate A/V company, delivering and setting up projectors and screens n' shit for big, boring hotel conventions. One of the freelance techs who they would call in for really big jobs was this guy who we'll call "Rod". Rod was thirty-eight year old wastoid who never went a day without smelling like shit. He would brag about being friends with Morning 40 Federation (whattya mean you don't know who they are?), he would curse way more than people should talk, and he loved bragging about his weed. Not only would he brag, he would show it to me. He would then say "man, I don't know why I'm showing you this shit, but I can't help it! This weed is so fucking good, man! Fuck I wanna smoke it right now!" He did this all while driving the delivery van. I didn't spend too much time with this guy because he would always try to pick fights with me, and also because one day he simply did not show up for work, calling later on in the day not to apologize, but to ask if there was any work available. Moderation might've helped Rod out.

3.) I have been looking for a new roommate this month, and whenever I post an ad on craigslist, I always get one or two colorful replies from people no one should probably ever live with. In my most recent ad, so I won't want to have to only smoke in my room with a towel under my closed door, I included the provision "must be 420 friendly". I think some people saw only that excerpt, and made it all too clear in their reply how much they love to smoke. The following email has to be all time favorite. I changed their names, but just know that their real names were all new-agey with plenty of unnecessary apostrophes. (emphasis mine):

hello, my name is jane, are u guys open to the idea letting a family move in, its me, my life partner joe and skyler, our baby girl of almost nine months, she's a beautiful childwho's getting the love and affection she needs to be a cool person. i work while joe spends his time nurturing skyler. joe has a general studies degree concentration in mathematics and is concurrently working on two thesis statements, along with writing poetry and songs. i am a watress and an artist and skyler is a buddah christ indego child she never gives us any shit and is a 420 child. during pregnancy i partook(only with medical grade), and i had the most wonderful pregnacy and our baby could not be healthier, we puff around her, just not blowing it in her face yet. please let us know if you are interested in meeting us. thanks for your time.

with love
jane

I think it's safe to say that not only did they not receive a reply from me, but also, these people smoke way too much pot to be part of a normal society. They're apparently just a young family looking to begin their new life with a complete stranger in a tiny apartment. Oh, and with weed. Maybe one day they'll find a like-minded, new-agey bachelor with poor spelling skills, good joint-rolling skills and an extra bedroom. Good luck, Jane.